


Heart-Attack

by Qwerty542



Category: clexa - Fandom, the100
Genre: Clarke is hurting, Clexa, Death, F/F, F/M, Grief, It's late, Pain, affair, i got this idea from grey's anatomy, i have barely any medical knowledge, secret, stress cardiomyopathy, there's no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 11:02:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29188239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qwerty542/pseuds/Qwerty542
Summary: Clarke ends up in the hospital, finding out why brings up memories
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Finn Collins/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 44





	Heart-Attack

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this late at night, and I haven't done any spelling checks so there might be mistakes (probably will be) It's also not very long but I really like the idea, and although it isn't exactly as what I had in my mind - i do hope you enjoy reading!

‘Ah good afternoon Clarke,’ Jackson greets her with a polite smile. The results of her tests no doubt in his hand as he sits down. Finn immediately sits up straighter and grabs her hand tightly. ‘We got the results back from cardio.’

Before she can say something Finn immediately speaks for her, ‘What did it show?’

‘Beside the bruise from your fall everything looks good, so do the results from your CT.’ His eyes fly over the words as he scribbles something down, ‘You don’t have any blockage in your arteries.’

From the corner of her eyes, she can see Finn look from Jackson to her back to Jackson. He doesn’t understand what it means, she doesn’t fully understand it either but Finn will no doubt speak up. He always does.

Jackson barely got his last word out of his mouth when Finn asks him, ‘What does that mean?’

‘You definitely did not have a heart-attack'

She hears Finn exhale full of relief and she can’t help but squeeze his hand, following his lead and feeling the weight fall of her shoulders. ‘So, I can go home?’ She asks hopefully, she’d really rather be anywhere else but the hospital. 

But, unfortunately Jackson frowns, ‘Not yet, your ECG shows significant changes and I’m going to find out why before you leave the hospital.’ He gives them one final nod and smile before a soft beeping noise fills the room. ‘I’ll be back soon.’ And with that he leaves the room.

‘We'll be back home soon enough honey,’ Finn tells her as he leans his forehead against the side of her head, ‘No need to look so worried. You heard Jackson, you didn’t have a heart-attack.’

‘Yeah,’ she agrees. Unable to change the frown on her face. It didn’t have anything to do with worries about herself in the first place.

X

A few hours later Jackson returns and his frown is deeper than normal. Finn seems to notice too because he sits straighter, laying down the cards and completely forgetting about the game they were playing. Clarke wishes she could forget about the thoughts that were going through her mind too, she knows she can’t. 

‘Clarke, do you realize you’ve been admitted to the hospital on this exact date for the past 5 years?’

She swallows the lump in her throat that Jackson’s words seem to create and keeps on a straight face before Finn notices. She does know. She knows that every time without fail her heart seems to give up on her on the day, she needs it the most. She just doesn’t quite understand how it’s possible, doesn’t understand how she could be the cause of this.

‘Well, that can’t be-' Finn mutters, utter confusion written on his face, ‘I mean. I don’t remember the exact date but-' 

Before he can finish his sentence Jackson interrupts him, ‘I have the medical records. On the 17th of March, for the past 5 years you have what looks like a heart-attack and you end up here.’ He eyes her up and down but he doesn’t yet ask the question that seems to be burning on his lips. He stays quiet.

‘No,’ she shakes her head resolutely, ‘I know I’ve had some scares but-'

She can’t finish her sentence because Finn runs a hand through his hair and frowns deeply before interrupting, ‘Every year on this date?’ he checks.

Jackson nods putting the folder underneath his arm, ‘Is there something significant about this date, for you personally?’

‘No,’ she says a bit too quickly, ‘Nothing.’

Jackson seems to notice because one of his eyebrows quirk up, ‘What were you doing that first year, the first time you had a cardiac episode?’

She feels the lump build back up in her throat and her chest tightening, but Finn is right beside her and he can’t know. He doesn’t deserve that. ‘Oh,’ she exclaims with a nervous chuckle, ‘I can’t remember back that far.’

‘We were in the yard,’ Finn starts telling and she has to bit her lip to keep herself from screaming that he has to shut up. ‘I remember because our neighbor-‘ he stops and then turns back to her, to ask, ‘what was her name?’ 

She blinks and feels her mouth dry out as that one name leaves her mouth. It leaves a sickening pain inside her chest, ‘Lexa’ she says. It shouldn’t be but the tears build up in her eyes involuntarily. 

Finn doesn’t notice, he just turns back to Jackson and continues telling the stories like it was nothing. ‘That’s right!’ he says a bit too enthusiastic, ‘I remember because that day she died of an aneurysm, I think?’ He looks back at her to see if she can be of any help in remembering the story but she can’t quite get her gaze of the ceiling. She knows Jackson is looking at her, she knows that he noticed something Finn hasn’t been able to notice in these 5 years. ‘We watched as the paramedics took her away and that is when you had your first attack.’

‘Were you close to Lexa?’ Jackson asks 

‘No.’ she answers with a bit too much poison in her words for it to be true. ‘We barely knew Lexa.’ The words felt like a sucker punch against her stomach. It was nauseating.

‘That’s all very sad,’ Finn than says and really Clarke has no right to blame him – but she does. She hates him for not caring. She hates that Finn talks about it like it was nothing, because it was the opposite. It was the complete opposite. ‘But, what does that have to do with Clarke’s heart?’

Jackson eyes her one more time before smiling politely at Finn, ‘Nothing, just some routine questioning. I’ll be back soon'

Finn sighs deeply at the fact he has to stay longer but squeezes her hand nonetheless, probably noticing how her mood had only gone downhill.

X

The moment Finn leaves to get some stuff in order at home, Jackson moves back into her room.

‘You have stress cardiomyopathy’ He tells her as he sits down next to her bed, his eyes serious and understanding.

‘Cardiomyopathy, what is- can you tell me what that is?’

‘It’s Lexa.’ He says and her heart shatters just a tiny but more.

‘Lexa?’ she questions, so used to keeping her a secret. So used to no one knowing about it, no one could know about it.

‘Lexa.’ He says with a resolute nod. ‘She wasn’t just someone you barely knew, was she?’ The words sound sickening even on someone else’s tongue.

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about'

But Jackson doesn’t seem to care about her lies, he continues ‘Because every year on the day that she died, you get a rush of adrenaline caused by stress. Your pressure rises, you have chest pains, and you end up here.’

A weak chuckle falls from her lips, ‘I know how I must look with Finn and all, but she loved me and I loved her. I still do'

He nods, ‘I lost someone too. I know how you feel like, I know how empty you feel inside.’

‘They say, the worst day of loving someone is the day you lose them.’ Jackson nods along with her words, he agrees with them. ‘But, I don’t think that’s true.’ He seems startled for a second but he doesn’t interrupt her. He’s patient when she tries to find the right words, ‘I think it’s everything after you lost them. It’s the tiny things that remind you of them; the book she bought me, the recipe we always cooked together, her favorite song. It’s the good or bad news you’re so eager to tell them. None of that is possible anymore' she feels her throat burn and the tears stream down her cheeks but for once she doesn’t care. ‘It has been 5 years and my very first thought whenever I get news is still the same, she’s still the first person I want to share everything with. Except-' her voice falters and she gasps for air before she can continue, ‘Except I can’t. I won’t ever be able to share anything with her anymore.’

She feels Jackson’s hand land on top of hers and he squeezes it comforting, but that’s just the tiny push that was needed to break the dam because she breaks apart in a way she never allowed herself to do quite yet. Hearing that after 5 years, Lexa’s still the one that stops her heart is not something she thought she could handle. She isn’t sure she can.

‘You can’t forget, can you?’ Jackson asks softly, his voice gentle. ‘I still have all the memories too. I cling onto them; I cling onto her.’

Clarke nods vigorously, ‘I can’t move on,’ Jackson wants to interrupt her, but she doesn’t give him a chance, ‘I tried. I did everything in my power to forget. To accept. To make it stop hurting. But-’ she breathes out shakenly and wipes some of the tears off her cheek with the back of her hand. ‘But I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t want to move on. She’s gone, forever and there’s nothing I can change about that. Nothing I can do to bring her back. I’ve prayed, I’ve begged, I’ve cried but nothing brought her back. Nothing ever will. So,’ she says as she finally meets Jackson his eyes, he’s crying to, he’s remembering someone he loves to, ‘That pain is the one thing I have left of her. It’s the only thing I can hold onto without everyone knowing. I need her and this is the only way I know how. I don’t care if that makes me weak or sick because I don’t want to change. I’ll take this over anything, until I can be with her again. That’s all I wish for'

‘Sometimes,’ he tells her, ‘I wish love was enough. If love was enough, she’d be back, and I’m pretty sure it’s the same for Lexa' Clarke nods along with his words, sobbing softly as she thinks about it because yes, love would be enough. If she could bring Lexa back by loving her, she would have done that a long time ago. 

‘Lexa was my soulmate,’ Clarke sobs softly, feeling the way her chest tightens the dulling ache of her heart becoming worse with every beat. ‘I can handle living my worst nightmare every other day. But, today? Today it always is too much.’

‘It’s grieve,’ Jackson tells her with a gleam look in his eyes, ‘Your heart stops because you’re grieving Lexa.’

‘I didn’t want our story to end this way, we dreamed of our happy ending. She deserves a happy ending more than anyone and she was robbed of it. You don’t want to know how many times I wished that I was the one that- that I was the one who..’ 

‘Died' Jackson fills in for her.

‘It’s- it was so unfair. It still is'

The quiet beeping breaks the moment and Jackson seems to remember where they are because he clears his throat and stands up, ‘I have to go Clarke.’

‘What will we do against it?’ she asks hopeful, ‘I mean how do you treat this?’

‘I wish I knew,’ he says sorrowful, ‘There’s no cure for losing someone you love'

‘I know,’ Clarke answers, turning to her side as her hand rests on her chest. ‘I just have to accept she’s never coming back'

‘Will you?’

Clarke let’s out a humorless chuckle, ‘No.’

‘Get some rest Clarke' 

She closes her eyes and feels the fatigue and the banging of her head, the last thing she mumbles before she falls asleep is her name. It’s the only thing she can think about.


End file.
